January 2007
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Gaining My Life
In December 2005, at age 25, I weighed only 108 pounds (49 kg). I had six-month-old bruises on my legs from a work-related injury, and a pallid complexion. Fatigue, loss of concentration and compulsive undereating prevented me from working.
On New Year’s Eve, I phoned the local OA contact person. He shared with me his personal story. I knew I had found hope.
My history with food has had highs and lows. At age 17, my lowest weight was 97 pounds (44 kg) for a 5-foot 5-inch teenager. My pant size was 0, and my hips jutted through the clothing. In my sickness, I prided myself on my self-control because I didn’t eat as much as others. In the next eight years my weight climbed, but I was underweight for my age and height. Doctors, friends and even strangers pushed food my way, but I proudly turned it away. Calling the OA contact person was my way of surrendering and admitting I had a baffling disease.
During the next eight months, I drove myself to local meetings. I listened (as desperate as the dying can) to the message of hope other members offered. I learned that overeaters and undereaters struggled with food addiction. I began reading the “Twelve and Twelve” and the Big Book, replacing the word “alcohol” with “food.” I got a food sponsor and called in my food daily for almost six months. I cried during the first 90 days of following the food plan, grieving for the way I had mistreated my body for so long. It was a healing process and a way to make amends to myself.
For me, working the program means attending a home group each week, being of service, following a food plan, reading Lifeline and calling other members when resentments surface. Doing these saved my life. During my time in OA, I’ve gained 20 pounds (9 kg); now I weigh 128 pounds (58 kg). Including exercise in my program has helped, but I don’t use it as a form of purging. I use it to build muscle mass and endurance.
I’ve found my Higher Power in nature and in the shares of other members at meetings. My concept of God is broadening. God is kindness, patience, understanding and gratitude. My HP is no longer food, and I’m grateful. I hope my story provides hope for newcomers. As members have told me, I’d like to tell you to keep coming back! It works!
— Marga K., California USA
God Issue
When I came to OA, I was relieved. I had been in treatment for anorexia, but as soon as I’d begin to recover, I’d start bingeing. OA gave me hope that if I forced myself to eat again, I would have help maintaining a healthy weight without compulsive eating. I clung to the belief that if I followed a plan of eating and did what my sponsor told me, I would never be fat or overeat.
Over time, my sponsor realized I was a little hung up on my weight and on making sure I ate exactly right to prevent weight gain. (Okay, I tell a lie. I was more than a little hung up; I was obsessed.) I fought my sponsor and nutritionist when they suggested adding more food to my plan; but I agreed, determined to make it as difficult as possible. My sponsor gently suggested I let go of controlling my weight. I didn’t want to listen, but she found different ways to remind me. She told me, “Weight is not a Vanessa issue. Weight is a God issue.” I prayed for my Higher Power to help me, but deep down I didn’t believe it was possible.
I lost my abstinence and gained a few pounds. The desire to restrict, to do what I knew would force my body to lose those pounds, overwhelmed me. But deep down I didn’t want to restrict, go to another hospital or lose everything returned to me when I was working the program — my life, friends, family and freedom. I realized that as much as I wanted to lose weight, I was no longer willing to lose everything for weight loss. I called my sponsor and agreed to work the program to the best of my ability, to ask for God’s help to stay abstinent, and if I binged or gained weight, to wake up the next day and try to stay abstinent again.
It made me think. If I wasn’t trying to control my weight, then did I want to stay abstinent? I was able to see how bingeing would hurt me and how it had nothing to do with my weight. I let go of my fear of weight gain, and bingeing didn’t seem so powerful. It was only an unhealthy, expensive, unpleasant way of hiding from my feelings. I wanted nothing to do with it.
For a year, I have followed the program — working on the first four Steps and talking with my sponsor and outside support about my emotional and spiritual issues. All along I thought God was helping me follow a food plan to maintain my weight, but in reality he was helping me love and accept myself, and cope with powerful emotions. Once I let go of my fear of gaining weight—when I came to believe I was as good a person in high school at 225 pounds (102 kg) as I was in grad school at 104 pounds (47 kg) and as I am now at 120 pounds (54 kg) — well, the idea of bingeing held no attraction.
I’ve stopped hating myself. If I trust my Higher Power and work my program, I don’t have to hate myself. The best part is I don’t have to be afraid. I know if I make a mistake, if I forget and try to do things my way, my sponsor, program and Higher Power will gently guide me back to my course in OA.
—Vanessa V., Boston, Massachusetts USA
Surrender Brings Change | Reap the Rewards
The Impossible Made Possible | Help!
How Lifeline Changes My Life and the Lives of Others
Lifeline Meeting Format | Helpful Information
Diary of an Overeater
Home | Features | Departments | Contact | Archives
