Biggest Gift
I came to OA on December 30, 2005, and I was desperate. I weighed 515 pounds (234 kg), had high blood pressure and suffered sleep apnea because of my weight. My wife had me sleeping in the other bedroom because my snoring kept her awake. Although my weight was causing our marriage to fall apart, I always blamed her for loving me conditionally.

To get my wife to stop nagging me, I had tried diets, losing over 100 pounds (45 kg) on two different occasions. Each time I gained the weight back plus more, because all I did was try to fix the outside. It was like I kept trying to put a fresh coat of paint on a rotting piece of wood. I had been to OA 10 years prior, but since I was also involved in another Twelve-Step fellowship at the time, I kept comparing and criticizing how OA wasn’t doing things right. And I couldn’t relate to many people in the rooms. I guess I just wasn’t ready.

One night, the thought occurred to try OA again. I don’t know why — we had no immediate conflict at home. I now believe my Higher Power led me there. I’ll never forget how I felt when I walked into the room that night. I was humiliated, embarrassed and desperate. The meeting was a First-Step meeting, and I felt as if the speaker were speaking directly to me. I remember him saying, “I have good news and bad news for the newcomers here tonight. The good news is your war with food is over. The bad news is you got your ass kicked.” Boy, did that sum up my life in a nutshell! With all the drugs I had done in my past, I can honestly admit that food brought me to a worse bottom than drugs ever had.

After he finished, I remember raising my hand to share. I don’t recall what I said. All I remember was telling everyone how my life was in shambles and how OA was the last stop for me before I killed myself with food. I was in tears. A few of the guys came over to me after the meeting, and we discussed how they felt the same way I did when they first came in. What a relief! I was really confused about abstinence, and one of the guys gave me the OA pamphlet A Plan Of Eating. He asked me to call him the following day; I did and we talked. It was such a relief to talk to someone who knew what I was feeling. He became my sponsor, and I started working the Steps and got a food plan.

We agreed I would not weigh myself until I got to 90 days abstinent, because I’ve always let the scale rule my life. When I got to 90 days, I was out of town on business, but he said to find somewhere to weigh. When I got on the scale, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had lost 135 pounds (61 kg)! I don’t know how I did it. All I did was follow my food plan, work my Steps and do as much service as I could. I was overwhelmed; tears of joy now replaced the tears of desperation I cried in December.

The biggest gift OA has given me isn’t the smaller numbers on the scale or smaller clothes to wear. The biggest gift is that today I am learning to love others and myself, instead of loathing myself. I don’t feel so angry on the inside anymore. Sometimes I get angry, but OA gives me the tools to handle that anger constructively, whether through prayer, meetings or phone calls. It wasn’t until I surrendered that I gave myself a chance to win against my disease. Today I feel like a miracle! Thanks and credit for my new life are not due to me. They are due to the people in the rooms who made suggestions and to my Higher Power for giving me the willingness to follow their suggestions.

— Ken L., Miami, Florida USA

Like many compulsive eaters, I tried all the diets, but I couldn’t follow them. I even tried counseling with eating disorder specialists and a few stints in OA, but I wasn’t willing to give up sugar and white flour, which proved to be the key components in breaking my addictive cycle. A doctor’s suggestion that I consider gastric bypass surgery scared me back into OA’s rooms.

Although I was tightly aligned with a religious community, I did not do God’s will. My food addiction proved more powerful than my faith and led me to compulsively eat foods prohibited by my religion. This kept me in a constant state of shame and anxiety, wondering if anyone from my religious community would see me coming out of restaurants I was forbidden to eat in. I also felt profoundly disconnected from God because I knew I wasn’t doing his will, but I couldn’t help it. No amount of praying prevented that first compulsive bite, probably because I was praying for the wrong thing — to lose 100 pounds (45 kg) but still eat like I was eating. I was so spiritually sick that I would drive by restaurants in a crowded part of town and think, “If there’s a parking space close by, that’s a sign God wants me to go there.” Even without a space, I’d park a few blocks away and walk to get my fix. In recovery, I know God doesn’t want me to put any of those foods into my body. They are spiritual and physical toxins to me.

My first sponsor helped me see that resolving the disconnection between my religious teachings and my actions was vital to my program. However, I was still a mess and unable to accept and keep the gift of abstinence, so my sponsor decided she could no longer work with me. That threw me into a tailspin, and I sunk lower than ever. Now I understand she was right to drop me.

Defeated, I called an OA acquaintance, and that person introduced me to my current sponsor. When I called her and she told me her requirements for sponsorees, I balked. I never intended to weigh, measure or call in my food to anyone because it seemed subservient and undignified. But as I sat sobbing on the couch that night, I thought, “There’s no way anything she’s asking you to do is worse than the hell you are living in.”

I started working with her in January 2005, and thank God she is still my sponsor. With her, I began to work a rigorous program incorporating all the tools. Abstinence did not come quickly or easily, but with persistence it came. I learned I could live without sugar and other binge foods. Planning my three weighed-and-measured, abstinent meals and committing them to my sponsor daily have changed my life. What I first resisted with every ounce of my being have become my keys to freedom.

This disease lurks within me, and I know my daily reprieve is contingent on my spiritual condition and on how I work this program. Discipline is crucial. Daily, I write down my food and gratitude list, make phone calls to my sponsor and other OA members, read OA and AA literature, try to work the Steps, stick to my plan of eating and provide the most important service we have to offer — stay abstinent.

Today, I’m happy to face a new day. I no longer feel I’m living a hypocritical life. I nourish myself with food that pleases God. I live in harmony with my values. Most times I remember to turn my problems over to my Higher Power, and I am able to relax. My relationships are better because I’ve given up trying to change and control others. At 30, I’m considering going back to school for an advanced degree. When I was in the food, my life was too unmanageable to do such a thing, and I didn’t believe I could do it. Now I believe I’m capable of being challenged and can do almost anything with God’s help.

I never thought my food cravings would disappear, but they have. When food starts calling, I know I must examine the spiritual side of my program. I now eat normal portions and have lost 67 pounds (30 kg) and counting.

Yesterday I experienced a miracle when I bought a pair of non-plus-size pants for the first time since I was 10. If this is possible for me, it’s possible for anybody. Don’t give up — it really works if you work it!

— Sarah B., Washington, DC USA

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