January 2007
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For 12 years before walking into my first OA meeting, I didn’t know I was in the clutches of a dangerous disease. I was just existing in life, not fully participating. My goal was to make it from one day to the next.
I was in my early 40s, recovering from a divorce, adjusting to a major career change and caring for my terminally ill father. It was too much at once, and the compulsion to find comfort in food slowly emerged.
After my father died, I packed on the weight, but I told myself it was a result of the horrible stresses and things would get better. Unfortunately, other family crises occurred soon after, including the death of my stepfather. My relationship with food tightened as I felt the immediate impact of my mother’s growing dependence.
Two years and 40 pounds (18 kg) later, I recommitted to taking off the weight. Although I lost some, that didn’t last long, and I ended up weighing more than when I had started.
The following 10 years brought more unimaginable family tragedies, from serious car wrecks and illness to addiction and suicides. The helplessness and hopelessness I felt overwhelmed me, and the drive to stuff the worst possible food down my throat daily became overpowering.
As time passed, I put some physical distance between my family and me, first out of financial necessity and second for emotional reasons. I knew I had to begin to separate myself from many of the self-destructive behaviors around me. Ironically, I did not consider my eating self-destructive at the time.
Alone in a new job and apartment, my daily thoughts shifted to my ex-husband. Anger accompanied this preoccupation and clouded my thoughts. Because I didn’t know what to do with the anger, which was turning inward to depression, I sought counseling to help me deal with the divorce, but not the eating. I was sure after counseling I would be able to control it.
All the while I continued to get calls from distraught family members in crisis. Guilt from moving and abandoning them drove me closer to my best friend, food. Just for surviving, I began to reward myself each day with double portions of takeout food. I resented my family and the stress they had subjected me to, but most of all I resented God.
I was depressed, anxious and full of self-disgust when I walked through the doors of OA weighing over 325 pounds (147 kg). As I began to understand the concept of surrender in the OA program, things began to change in my life. Though fearful and concerned for my family, I realized I had no control over the choices they were making, but I could work on controlling my reactions.
I moved from spiritual detachment to a new concept of a Higher Power and an understanding of the importance of turning things over. That’s when the miracles began to happen. Shortly after working Step One, I had a rare opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with a sibling in despair. Through this sharing and its immediate results, several family members went into Twelve-Step programs.
I achieved abstinence from compulsive eating within the first couple of weeks of coming to OA. From so many previous failures, I knew this program would have to be different, so I listened to my gut and approached changes in lifestyle and meal planning slowly and thoughtfully. The OA tools and my sponsor guided me as I began an honest self-examination. Soon, I came to understand how my “all or nothing thinking” was self-sabotaging and was infecting my spirit. Now I rethink my impulse to jump too high with expectations and goals. Instead, I set them where I know I have a good chance of reaching them. Accepting progress rather than perfection is a major focus in my life.
As I approach my one-year anniversary of coming to OA and nearly one year of abstinence, I’m enjoying the energy I’ve gained after losing 85 pounds (39 kg) and exercising regularly. Spiritually, I’ve reconnected with my Higher Power, and I reap the benefits of finding peace and calm even when things around me are in turmoil. It takes work, but I can have serenity if I live in the moment, one day at a time.
— Sharon M., St. Louis, Missouri USA
Surrender Brings Change | Reap the Rewards
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How Lifeline Changes My Life and the Lives of Others
Lifeline Meeting Format | Helpful Information
Diary of an Overeater
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